“Krum gets the snitch, but Ireland win” – Ludo Bagman, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Zak Crawley is going through one of the toughest spells of his England career so far.

He’s not scored a 50 since the first test against Pakistan in Multan and has since not scored over 29, with six single digit scores.

He hasn’t scored a 100 since the rain-washed Ashes test in Manchester last Summer.

Lots has been made of his form, skill and whether he should be dropped for new-comer Bethel or another potential opener.

I doubt England will do this. Under the Bazball regime, England are a team of vibes. They don’t do things by the book. They don’t pick players based on county form or service length, just ask Foakes, Bairstow and Jimmy Anderson.

They promoted Bethel despite him not playing for Warwickshire, they plucked Smith from Surrey and promoted him ahead of Foakes (his more established Surrey teammate) and gave Bashir the spin duties, despite him not playing more than a couple of games for Somerset.

England pick on vibes, something called ‘performance ceiling’ and the potential for a player to take a game away from an opposition.

Crawley – as demonstrated by that hundred in Manchester, and 250 against Pakistan in 2020 – is one of those players. The way he dismissed the first ball of the 2023 Ashes for four was also reflective of how this England team want to play: on the front foot, aggressive and without a care.

It’s for these reasons that not only do I expect Crawley to stay in the side, but also to top score in Australia next winter.

Think about it.

Would there be anything more Bazball than the man who, in many ways, most reflects the true essence of ‘not giving a f*ck’, scoring 200 at the MCG?

He’s obnoxious, confrontational and competitive, without crossing the line.

He’s inconsistent but gives us moments of joy and gusto.

Ok – so he’s got the vibes, anything else?

Crawley has struggled on green pitches in England, Pakistan and New Zealand. His lack of footwork and heavy hands mean he’s an easy target for good seam deliveries.

But Crawley’s tall physique and strong backfoot game will suit the pace and bounce of hard Australian pitches. His competitive nature – backed by McCullum and Stokes – will see him take on a strong (but ageing) Australian attack, and his attacking flare will be rewarded on fast outfields.

Bazball is about narrative. It’s about emotion. It’s about playing the game without caring about the result, and providing wonderful memories along the way.

It’s shown this repeatedly. Drawing the Ashes at home. Losing in India. Throwing away results in New Zealand last year and Pakistan this year.

Bazball can’t succeed in Australia, it mustn’t succeed! To do so would be to completely flip the script on the point of Bazball.

Zak Crawley top scoring in Australia next year, will be one of those remarkable moments on an ultimately flawed and doomed emotional rollercoaster – and I, nor you, should care one bit about the result.